April 2025

Carl Shurtz Park, April 2025

I have written a lot this month… and I could copy paste here, however I feel a desire to summarize in broad strokes.

I’ve been feeling more bold, and less bothered by my inner critic telling me Im not competent or don’t deserve to be confident. I’ve made decisions like taking Bosco on the train, something I’ve never done because I’ve been too afraid; and similarly, bringing him to the city fully under my watch and going out at the same time while passing over the hump of my fears that I shouldn’t leave him alone in my apartment. I did all of it, and my voice saying I should feel guilty has been less loud and not as big as an influence. I’ve been talking about my decision making or at least the idea that my decisions might not be the best in general when I just go off of my FEELING of what is right without taking in the reality of the situation. In reality I know Bosco is find and he does bark because he’s upset but he also sleeps and none of it is terrible or really something to avoid at all costs, or at least the cost of my life and choices.

I’ve been concerned that my eyes are uneven or like my vision goes in different directions. I’m afraid I can’t see it or something…I also saw Klemen twice this month, and told him I didn’t mind him sleeping over when in reality it messed up my sleep and he shouldn’t have been there, although I didn’t sleep with him because I didn’t feel attracted to him in the same way for some reason, and hadn’t seen or spoken to him in a while as well. He is still in his own world and nothing wrong with that, but I see it as a sign that we were in each others lives for a very specific reason and time and perhaps that is all for the time-being from what I can tell.

I also got a new phone, Bosco’s allergies finally improved by trying a new vet in CT and a new type of shot that has world amazingly for now to my surprise. And I can sleep now and all those problems I was having for months are basically gone -=—- I also have more options that this vet suggested that seem easy enough and very smooth to try. All good solutions. I think this was related to the whole mars RX in my 6th house and things finally cleared up, interesting how it connects to my sleep as well.

I’ve been feeling more confident in general. I went to DC for work, created a dating profile after two aperol spritz by myself one night only to soon go on invisible mode and not go on it…and I’ve pick up positive affirmations again and went to a moon circle that I haven’t been too in a while.

I am doing a lot on my mindset and overcoming fears in relationships, stepping out of my fears to interact and speak and be vulnerable or share personal things about myself, trust in others…. All of it, I am taking small steps but I feel they are promising. The interactions i’ve had feel like I am getting closer to something new and further away from my past self that is fearful of people.

My mind keeps telling me that I am doing a lot or like speaking a little bit, or having small interactions feels like a lot, but I think the more I open up to this — keeping in mind, socializing with new people has literally been such a rare occurrence for me (intentionally meeting and making friends); that I am in new territory and feel like all of it is new because I am coming into these situations as a new person myself as well; with a new level of awareness of myself and that feels like a game changer and a gift.

I get emotional thinking about this, but to be honest, nothing has been such a positive force of growth in my life besides (my marriage/divorce process) and therapy over this past year (crazy that Its been one year). and I mean its done it in a very specific slow, incremental way of becoming more in control of my life by becoming more aware.

When it comes to my future, I was accepted into program and had interviews and I feel very drawn to MFT. I was up last night angry about things, thinking how I don’t have a PC reason why I’d make a good therapist because who am I to say? I am not doing this because I think I would be good at it, I am following this path because I feel drawn to it and it feels extremely meaningful and right to me even while there is no evidence to prove it, and I can’t really say with confidence that I even want to be a therapist. There is overwhelming doubt, however my confidence and trust has grown and now I kind of believe it is really for me.

Something about these photos make me feel strong. they reflect my strength. My determination. Because there is so much invisible to others, when you meet them and have 30 min to speak and they are looking for certain types of people, I’m not surprised they put me on a waitlist and I'm salty about that. And I feel April was also quite solitary, even though I am opening to new relationships and taking steps and actions to change my life all the time, it is like pushing everything into gear and just getting a bit of momentum I feel by the end of the month.

I am still going through divorce. It is totally invisible. I don’t, or barely even talk about it, and yet it’s on my mind often. The call with the lawyer was post poned and that also made me super angry because it’s just an extra reminder that I continue to WAIT. I want to sometimes text him angry messages or things to provoke him, and yet I know better. I know I am only giving him my power and my energy while I hold the power and I need to be patient and strong, and yet, that is very tough. It is tough to be in an intermediary space, yet one that is invisible in the outside and to others I am quite ‘normal’, and there are things I ‘should’ have no problem doing like dating, etc. I still feel hurt and I really just want to be by myself and build a life I am proud of and honestly, do not have much of an interest in dating because I have this perception in my head that it will all be a disappointment. And I want to be proven wrong.

I’ve been reflecting on this blog as well because I didn’t feel like doing it recently. I guess I like the website and I have this idea that its trying to be something like a repository for essays or something and I also write a lot and feel like if I were to make it public, which is like an implicit vision that I don’t address, who would be interested to read it anyway because its just ranting on different themes and my life.

About my divorce.

When it comes to my life, I don’t see myself working with KAS much longer and in fact I have only done it this long because I had no alternatives and have never really felt like I was supposed to be there, although I appreciate it and its been meaningful. Living in the city now I feel there is a lot in me that doesn’t quite fit or is like at odds with my life. My life feels outdated. Again. I feel like agin I am in need of a change and I also will be here for a year. I worry about money because even with this job it’s like I’m losing money and I don’t really change my spending habits. Again, everything comes back to my divorce because I wan this money and it’s what is right, and his comment made that I shouldn’t expect a lot angers and worries me. Because ‘don’t expect a watershed’ or whatever he said is like a slap in the face. And maybe im just upset and angry for being here in the first place and for being pushed into this direction to be with myself and being mad that he was never really there for me, at least I felt that way, and I feel like he owes me because he does. He emotionally owes me and I want him to repay me with his money because it’s not fair. On a spiritual level the fact that we were married he completely betrayed me and owed me. He is indebted to me. So I am more mad about it th more I think that he is lying and manipulating me because he didn’t send me his tax information and I sent him mine. I was upset last night because the worst type of person is a manipulator; somebody who purposefully and even unpurposefully but just unaware, is dishonest towards other people and has no problem doing so for their own gain. It is complete selfishness and using people and disrespect. And back to my point earlier, the fact that all of this is concealed and still in the dark makes it very difficult. Difficult to accept, to mentally understand and process - is it just me, is it really that bad, is he honest or not, what are his motivates — its like the definition of scorpion at its worst - psychological manipulation. and its a game, a strategy, this kind of manipulation and just because he’s not out in the open doesn’t mean he’s just a naive innocent overwhelmed guy. No, because that’s the card he always played he’s just unable to manage and balance everything but he is an adult and he chooses to do his life in that way and makes choices and you can’t blame your shitty and rude and hurtful behavior on the fact that you suffered or have unconscious trauma or whatever because it doesn’t make it ok. And nothing he is doing is right and he is a terrible person because this affects my life every day and its not just me, its because he has been silent for 2 years and cut me out and has walked out without a reason and I have had to pick up the pieces and figure it out. Its not fair my therapist says that like from his perspective he is hurt probably and doesn’t really want to get divorced and in his eyes he’s just not remembering because he can’t emotionally face the trust and its his way of coping. and I get all of it but its also not good enough to put everything on me. The worst thing about marriage/divorce is that you are still tied to the person, even more so in divorce. They still impact you even when they’re not there. what they do and don’t do impact you. that’s the worst thing about connection. that others have the power and capacity to hurt you, and it is outside of your control.

I still go back and forth, do I text him. do I put myself in the position again of waiting to see if / when he says anything, or just to be ignored again. will it make it worse, or better. is it better in principle to keep it in mind that I am here and this is right even if it hurts. Do is say something and stand up in the way that I can anyway? or do I handle it on my own. everything I say in anger hurts me as well and I will think about it all week and it will be more on my mind, that’s hwy i’ve chosen to ignore it all and let it go. But am I letting too much go? Do I need to stand up? This is a lesson in my personal power and will. I want to scream at him and at the same time to forget him. The more I am angry towards him and let him know, th more hurt I am at the same time. it’s like a double edge sword that I don’t want to wield.

And then, I wonder. Do I really need to tax documents I asked him for?

Writing this is Pluto goes retrograde, and amid a mars-plato opposition 6H-12H Axis.