May 2025

astrology going on - pallas, mars opposition on. my ASC / DSC axis. Pluto went retrograde, Full moon in Scorpio, new moon Gemini.

Visit to Ohio, worked remotely. Slept and felt like I recoverd from being chronically under slept and tired.

Adjustments to the city lifestyle which feels uncomfortable for me. learning new ways and new skills to succeed here in this stage of my life. At the same time feel weary and like I want to go home to live with my parents, also knowing it’s not really like what I want and need. slowly stepping into new relationships and circles through volley ball and little steps. Signed up for Omega conference in October which I’m super excited for.

Portal into a new life stage

Interviewed and accepted admissions to IONA, paying tuition and registering. It is only a few months away and I’ll see how to arrange my life.

Randalls Island

Long conversation with a lawyer. the first time I felt I got real advice and options and understand what is at hand before me, while its never complete like I can go get more information and at the same time this is a substantial step, because I was waiting for the 2 year mark of separation, because that means I can divorce him in NY on my own and in Geneva on my own….. And given that after that very awkward and tense conversation he is not interested in giving me money and quite frankly was rude. I also tried to access my UBS shared account, have to send them a letter.

I just really don’t understand him and the idea I had of him in some way still caring about me is just really different because nobody would act like that and it doesn’t make sense honestly because either he is just not caring and not being intentional about either saving or hiding money (which takes likely extra effort and thought and why do that if he could just divorce) and if it is true that I owe him, then why not just show the current documents and really do it…. and its still confusing. but I feel now I was in a hurry before to get away from him but now it seems like since I m going to school. it seems the options are - I divorce him with lawyers in ny given he agrees; or I get a lawyer in Geneva… I can go on endlessly with the options and scenarios because there are many possibilities. What I need to do, is to pay for my tuition in advance.

The journey of making new social skills continues. It is like I feel disadvantages, less than the rest in terms of social and friend making abilities since its been a challenge and soft spot for me my entire life and there is a feeling of shame as an adult for feeling underdeveloped in this area of life or ‘Mal adapted’. I come up against a lot of insecurities even dressing up in ways that I like, bUT like I feel as too much, or being too tall, there is a big one with my height I guess because if eel I stand out and with my beauty and confidence as a woman I feel it as a threat in many respects, often still toning down how I would express myself, but also being in THIS city is an antidote becasuse everyone here is extra and dresses hot and there is a culture of women being however they want etc. I am still also facing guilt for not having Bosco with me, and at the same time am deciding consiously that since my parents say its fine, and its also better for what I need/want in my life to grow socially and everything that he stays temporarily with them and the idea of temporary has been hard, but also I am starting to see it a little more objectively since i’ve been very strongly emotionally attached to him and have ‘let him go’’ a bit, or at least loosened my idea that I would be liven here with a dog as this single gifl life, but the reality is different and I need to adapt. So that has been a huge processes for me.

New day

I am also just I think loosening my ideas around dating, and when to do that and I do feel I really want in my future to be married with kids and I do want that for myself for sure. Not being married and being with myself has made me realize that more as time goes on, rather than the other way around. And want to build community.

Update about therapy. I’ve been talking a lot about social life and living in the city, how I think for other people rather than asking or reaching out or just putting out there what I want, trying to mind read.