July 2025

I am writing next to a beautiful rose that I got yesterday. This has been the most beautiful, blessed month of the year and dare I say it, the past few years. Life has felt abundant, easy, full of life and new energy and fun. It’s been full of going out and enjoying myself quite simply, and growing more and more into my radiance and beauty in that experience of enjoying my life. Joy is a key, pleasure is a a key. The summer is often a beautiful month but it’s felt like I am able to finally enjoy my life here where things have felt challenging before, and I attribute this to Jupiter’s transit and blessing.

I’ve met many people, to me it feels abundant and like there’s so many opportunities to connect with people who also want to make friends and this is a whole new side of living here that i’ve discovered and am getting into and it feels freeing. I feel very open to trying new things and going out… We had this Venus Uranus conjunction and on that day / weekend I had one of the best nights and then met this guy that I am talking to that I really like and actually is making my heart anxious and worried thinking about it now for some reason, because I feel a tension between wanting and not having and wanting to open up and being deathly afraid to be rejected and feel like an idiot when it doesn’t work out. And I have this template in my head that I hate that I can't change it. Template of rejection. Once I meet somebody more than once and I like them I think this gets more intense and it almost hurts, the level that I feel like wanting something you’ll Never have and at the same time I am upset because I feel like I am already sabotaging everything without even trying.

white party

Empress. “Do nothing.” Tarot guidance and therapy has been reflecting to be present with myself, to feel what I want, to connect to my joy and pleasure and stay in my experience as a natural way to be in relationships with others.

I’ve been preoccupied with this guy. Went to church with Anna. Jung seminar with Richard tarnas. Wanting work to finish so I can go on vacation.

In therapy I’ve talked about some dreams, and now they’re somewhat of a theme, about this devastating loss, death alll around me and just waiting to be killed but trying to subdue my fears about it so ti will pass without as much pain or anxiety. Like this coping and survival alone. I’ve had a few super dark dreams almost nightmare like but not scary rather than sad and full of grief.

It takes attention and focus to remind myself that I am valuable and people enjoy being in my company even if/when I feel like a terrible person, that it is a feeling from the past. I have to remind myself that as an adult I can speak up for myself and protect myself and I don’t need to do things I don’t want to. Still I feel torn about not texting him vs texting him since it’s a little early on and yes I want to be expressive and communicative but I also don’t want to drive the relationship from the start. I feel like I don’t really know how to have healthy relationships and I am learning.

I wrote a substack about love this month. It’s been on my mind/heart, as well as hearts.